Attack of the Song Fics
by Lady Murray
Summary: Extreme AU! What kind of story includes the destruciton of Hogwarts, Vault highs, Vernon kicking his boss's butt, and and Crumplehorned Snorkacks all at once? This one! THIS IS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE SICK OF NORMAL SONGFICS. JOIN THE REBELLION!
1. School's Out

**Disclaimer: I sadly don't own Harry Potter or School's Out by Alice Cooper. I think the only thing I own is this written form of my imagination, which isn't much. **

**This is for all the people that are sick of mushy song-fics. Hoo-rah!**

* * *

_Well, we got no choice  
All the girls and boys  
_

Nobody was paying attention during History of Magic. Maybe because it was the last class of the year. Maybe because it was History of Magic. Who knows?

_Makin' all that noise  
'Cause they found new toys_

Ron, looking around cautiously, slowly reached into his bag and pulled out what looked like a firework. He made a motion to Harry, who pulled out a small silver box thing. Ron put the firework out and signaled to Harry. Of course, Harry wanted to be different and special, so he flicked the lighter and started the fuse on the firework the Muggle way. Nobody saw it coming. The firework exploded, shooting flames everywhere. It was the exact same firework the Weasley twins set off so many years ago. The problem was that the twins set it off in a big corridor, where as Ron, who was clearly not thinking, set it off in a small classroom full of people.

_Well, we can't salute ya  
Can't find a flag  
If that don't suit ya  
That's a drag_

Professor Binns, who would have continued talking even if a bomb went off, continued teaching even though all Hell was breaking loose around him.

"RUN!" Ron shouted. Everyone throw the doors open, right when the final bell went off.

Since Hogwarts was a very…different school, everyone stopped what they were doing, and started singing and dancing.

_School's out for summer_

_School's out forever_

_School's been blow to pieces_

Everybody was now on the grounds know, still singing and dancing. The fireworks had finally gotten out of Professor Binns's classroom and were shooting out of windows all over Hogwarts. It looked like a scene from a concert. Even Filch was having fun, doing back-flips with Dumbledore across the grounds.

_No more pencils_

_No more books_

_No more teachers' dirty looks_

Snape suddenly walked up to all the aspiring Zac Efron's and Ashley Tisdale's and roared in a very important voice. "WHAT IS THIS RUMPOUS?!"

Without further ado, he was soon being pelted with quills, which are very pointy, and heavy books, successfully knocking him out.

Dumbledore gave the students a very parental look and said, "Now, now children. What did I tell you about attacking your teachers?"

All the students then replied, "Tell them to duck first."

"That's right." Dumbledore said happily.

_Well, we got no class  
And we got no principles  
And we got no innocence_

_We can't even think of a word that rhymes_

All the students then started breaking all the rules. And I mean ALL the rules. Most of Hufflepuff started playing soccer with Nearly-Headless Nick's head while Draco and Pansy started doing… uhh…inappropriate thing on the lawn. Nobody didn't even notice Professor Trelawney kill Mrs. Norris.

_School's out for summer_

_School's out forever_

_School's been blow to pieces_

The fireworks must have gotten to Flitwick's secret rum stash, because all of the sudden, Hogwarts blew up! Piece of the castle started to rain down on the students, but the magic of song-and-dance made the pieces of castle ricochet off to London, making most of the Londoners think the sky was falling.

_No more pencils_

_No more books_

_No more teachers' dirty looks_

Snape was waking up from unconsciousness when Dumbledore finally remembered that he was supposed to be dead. He ran over to Snape and began to throw more things at Snape, before sticking his tongue out at the dead Snape and then ascended to Heaven.

_Out for summer  
Out 'til fall  
We might not go back at all_

Everyone was singing again and celebrating, because Hogwarts was now a hole in the ground, and everyone was thinking of was to push all their enemies off glaciers at Durmstrong.

_School's out forever  
School's out for summer  
School's out with fever  
School's out completely_

The Ford Anglia then drove out of the Forbidden Forest. It was drown by the music and had just recently watched Grease. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had been waiting to make a spectacular exit, so after they blow off the roof of the Ford Anglia and painted it white, they hopped into the car and drove off into the sunset.

* * *

**Do you likey? A sequel is to come, but with different books and songs. Please Review! I don't care if it is a hello or if you want to vent out your anger of the world at me. I just want to know that I'm not the only crazt person in the world, even if I have to be your secret psychologist.**

**Peace, Love, and Pineapples!**

**Murray**


	2. What Is This Feeling?

_**Disclaimer: **_**ME ****I Am Awesome! I own Wicked and Harry Potter?! My life can't get any better.**

**JK Rowling and Gregory Maguire No you don't! How dare you infringe upon our copyright rights! If you don't cut it out, we will sue you!**

**ME Sorry… I didn't mean to…My friends made me!**

Draco: Dearest darlingest momsie and popsicle…

Harry: The Dursleys…

Both: There's been some confusion over classes here at Hogwarts.

Harry: But of course I'll never write again.

Draco: But of course, I'll show off a lot.

Both: For I know that's how you want me to respond, yes. There's been some confusion for you see one of the other students is…

Draco: Unusually mean and disgusting and all together quite impossible to like…

Harry: A Slytherin.

Draco: What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Harry: From the moment I laid eyes on you.

Draco: My wand arm is itching.

Harry: My stomach is retching.

Draco: My face is flushing.

Both: What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name? Yes………….

Both: Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!

Draco: For your face,

Harry: Your voice,

Draco: Your bloodline!

Both: Let's just say—I loath it all! Every little trait however small makes my very flesh begin to crawl with simple utter loathing! There's a strange exhilaration. In such total detestation. It's so pure, so strong! Thought I do admit, it cam on fast, still I do believe that it can last. And I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long.

Slytherins: Dearest Draco, you are just so good. How do you stand it, I don't think I could. He's annoying, he a halfblood, we don't mean to show a bias, but Draco, we love pureblood!

Draco: Well, these things are sent to try us…

Slytherins: Poor Draco, forced to learn with someone that we all want to burn, we just want to tell you, we all want to see him in an urn!

(Slytherins jeer in back ground as Harry and Draco have a violent fight as they sing together)

Both: What is this feeling, so sudden and new? From the moment I laid eyes on you. My wand arm is itching, my stomach is retching. Oh, what is this feeling? Does it have a name? Yes, ahhhhhh…loathing! There's a strange exhilaration. In such total detestation, it's so pure, so strong! Though I do admit, it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last! And I will be loathing for forever, loathing, truly deeply loathing you, my whole life long!!!

**I have decided to just keep it Harry Potter. My brain hurts trying to think of other stories I could write funny song-fics for. Maybe I'll have Attack of the Song-Fics: Volume II in the future, but I don't want to get to ahead of myself. **

**Please review! It makes me happy, and I like being happy. I'm sure it will make you happy knowing I'm happy too! So let's all review and be happy!**


	3. Since U Been Gone

_Present Time_

"Did you here? Cho Chang broke up with Harry Potter!"

"No! How did it happen?"

"No one knows. It's been kept under wraps. I bet it was bad though."

"Oh, it was quite horrible actually. Harry told me."

Parvati and Lavender spun around to face none other then Luna Lovegood. How could _she_ know what happened on that cold Valentine's Day? She was the weirdest girl in school.

Parvati snorted. "How could you know Luna? You have no friends. Why would Harry tell you?"

"Harry confides in me with his deepest secrets. Did you know that his godfather is none other then Sirius Black?"

Parvati kind of did one of those cough laughs because who would believe that kind of thing? "Get real Luna. That is the dumbest story I've ever heard."

Lavender soon had a burst of intuition. She pulled Parvati to the side and whispered into her ear. "We should hear what she has to say. It will be a good laugh when we get back to the common room."

Parvati nodded enthusiastically and they both turned back to Luna, who seemed to be staring into space, humming 'Yellow Submarine.'

"I'm sorry, Luna," Lavender said kindly to Luna. "Parvati is PMSing. You know how it is. I would be happy to hear what Harry had to say."

Luna stopped humming and looked back at Lavender as if she was addressing her for the first time. She smiled in an 'out there' sort of way. "All right. I'm sure Harry is good friends with you. It all started on that cold Valentine's Day inside Madame Puddlefoot's Tea Shop…"

_Valentine's Day…_

Cho looked like she was ready to kill Harry. He didn't really want to be near her when she blew, so he slowly backed toward the door.

"DON'T YOU MOVE HARRY POTTER! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO REALLY REALIZE MY TRUE FEELINGS! Hit it boys."

Cho then started singing. She had her back-up dancers/hot Ravenclaw beaus block off the exit as she rounded on Harry.

_Here's the thing we started off friends_

_It was cool but it was all pretend_

_Yeah yeah_

_Since u been gone_

Harry did the shifty-eyes thing and started backing up. Cho was strutting closer to him.

_You're dedicated you took the time_

_Wasn't long till I called you mine_

_Yeah yeah_

_Since u been gone_

Harry was confused. He had barely talked to Cho before this. And what was all this about him being _hers_?

_And all you'd ever hear me say  
Is how I pictured me with you  
That's all you'd ever hear me say_

Harry had the distinct feeling she wasn't singing about him anymore. All she ever talked about has Cedric. Cedric this and Cedric that. Jeez, it was really annoying after a while.

_But Since U Been Gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so moving on  
Yeah, yeah  
Thanks to you  
Now I get  
What I want  
Since U Been Gone_

Wait, was she breaking up with him? Yes! She was such a psycho anyway. She was dancing now with her love slaves. Harry started dancing a little too. Why not celebrate something when you know it's what you want?

_How can I put it? You put me on  
I even fell for that stupid love song  
Yeah, yeah  
Since U Been Gone_

Harry blushed. She remembered when he sang 'Candy Shop' to her on their first date. It's hard to believe that was only 10 minutes ago.

_How come I'd never hear you say  
I just wanna be with you  
I guess you never felt that way_

Anger bubbled up in Cho. She pulled out her wand and starting throw curses at Harry. He had to start dancing even more to get out of the way. She gets to into her music, he thought as she started to laugh and sing and the same time.

_But Since U Been Gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so moving on  
Yeah, yeah  
Thanks to you  
Now I get (I get) what I want  
Since U Been Gone_

She was laughing so hard now that she had to use all her concentrating to just keep singing, so Harry had an opportunity to sneak out. So close! Just a little bit further!

_You had your chance you blew it  
Out of sight, out of mind  
Shut your mouth I just can't take it  
Again and again and again and again_

No! Her love slaves grabbed Harry from behind and pulled him toward Cho. He tried to claw his way out of there, but those Ravenclaw boys were pretty big. He was now in front of Cho, who was so angry she was literally spitting into Harry's face. He had to think of a way to get out of this, fast.

_Since U Been Gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so moving on  
Yeah, yeah  
Thanks to you (thanks to you)  
Now I get, I get what I want  
I can breathe for the first time  
I'm so moving on  
Yeah, yeah  
Thanks to you (thanks to you)  
Now I get (I get)  
You should know (you should know)  
That I get, I get what I want  
Since U Been Gone  
Since U Been Gone  
Since U Been Gone_

Of course, Cho had to drag out the ending of the song dramatically. In the 5 minutes it took her to sing a 15 sec. part, Harry had come up with a plan. It was unorthodox, but it was his only shot. As Cho's voice finally shut up, Harry pulled her towards him and laid a big wet one on her lips. She hadn't been expecting this and she just stood there in a daze as Harry pulled away and ran for the door. Cho's love slaves couldn't stop Harry, because at that same time, a large flock of Crumple-horned Snorkacks flew into the tea shop and began attacking the Ravenclaw boys. Harry escaped and lived in debt of the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, who returned to Sweden to tend there gardens.

_Back to the Present…_

Parvati and Lavender just stared at Luna, who, after finishing her exciting tale, went back to whistling. There was a really long pause.

Luna stopped whistling and turned to the two girls. "Well, if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I will leave. I have very important things I have to do. Good-bye, and watch out for nargals. They always get you when you're not looking." She then walked away, occasionally turning and looking around suspiciously for nargals.

Lavender and Parvati just stood there for a while. They knew that was pure baloney, but it still was one of those stories you don't want to talk about because it was just that weird.

Lavender turned to Parvati finally. "Let's not tell anyone about that, okay?"

"You got it. That was such a complete waste of time."

**Yes, it was a complete waste of time. And you wasted your time reading that, because it wasn't funny at all. Don't lie. You can review and tell me how horrible it was actually. I'm just depressed that I am experiencing writer's block for my other story, Breaking All the Rules, which I like a lot better sadly.**

**My life is such a sob story.**

**Murray**


	4. Author's Note

**Well, I am having trouble thinking of more song-fics.**

**It's not easy thinking of funny song-fics when a lot of songs are serious and emotional. The only emotions I want to express is humor and confusion for the most part.**

**I want to thank Sersi-Vell and BlewStar101 for actually taking the time to review. And I'm glad I inspired you Sersi-Vell, it's is nice to know that. **

**Well, I might put this on hiatus, but I wanted to put this back out there just to get a reaction to see if I should continue. The future of the fic is in your hands now. **

**!Sophia! **


	5. Its A Great Day To Whoop Somebody's Butt

**This is probably going to offend so many people, if won't even be funny, but I just can't help myself. **

**This song originally has a lot of bad words in it, so I'm going to edit it, but I'll underline what I change, so you all can use you're imagination to think of what it originally said. **

_Have you ever had_

_One of those days_

_When nothing goes right?_

Vernon Dursley had had enough. Today was one of the worst days in his life, exempting all that nonsense with his good-for-nothing nephew and his…people. Let me break it down for ya'll.

_You're wife starts __whining__ about whatever it was_

_She was __whining__ about last night._

Petunia had continued their argument from last night. She just couldn't get over that the woman that lived in number 2 Privet Drive had a more extravagant mailbox then theirs.

Vernon was disgusted by the large, purple rabbit mailbox, but Petunia had become jealous and was now demanding that they get a large, pink badger mailbox. Vernon couldn't take it anymore, so he went to only place where he could escape.

_So you escape into the bathroom_

_Just to sit there on your throne,_

The bathroom wasn't really a sanctuary, what with all the frilly stuff and all, but it was privacy. Vernon was about to leave, when he felt a familiar rumbly-in-his-tummy, and he ran back to his 'throne.'

_But after you finish your business_

_The toilet paper's gone._

After he finished his business, he turned to the toilet paper roll to seal the deal, when he realized, there was none left! He did what you would have expected. He tried to reach the cabinet that had the extra without getting up, but after many attempts, just sat there and cried. He could tell this was going to be a bad day.

_Well it's a great day_

_For me to whoop somebody's __butt_

_It's a bad day_

_So you better get off my back_

_You might get __knocked-out_

_If you cross my path_

_Cause it's a great day_

_For me to whoop somebody's __butt_

Petunia was in the kitchen, waiting to complain to Vernon again, when she heard her husband crying upstairs. She went up the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door.

Vernon answered in sobs. "I can't reach the drawer with the toilet paper in it! Help me! I want my mommy!"

Petunia answer in a stiff voice. "Well, do you want me to go in there?"

"NO!" screamed Vernon.

"Well, if I help you, will you get the ridiculously large, pink badger mailbox that I want?" she asked.

"YES! Just do it!"

Petunia knew exactly what to do. She sprinted down the stairs, out the front door, and right up to Mr. Number 2 Privet Drive, who was at their mailbox. She grabbed the flag thing on the mailbox, snapped it off, and started running back to her house.

"What the…!" yelled Mr. Number 2 (lol).

"Sue me, I don't care!" yelled Petunia. She went up to the bathroom door, slide the flag under the door, and about 5 minutes later, watched her husband walk out of the bathroom with an ashamed look on his face.

_Well I was running late for work_

_So I poured me some coffee to go_

Vernon checked his watch, saw the time and yelped.

"Great gad-zooks! I'm going to be late!" He exclaimed.

_And just before I had a flat tire_

_I spilled it all over my clothes_

As he was driving to work, he had to follow a crazy hippie. He blared his horn at the flower child, but it didn't work. He was about to lay-out the good-for-nothing, free-spirited Bohemian with his car, but he suddenly hit a bump, spilling coffee all over himself.

"Yikes! That's tingly and it hurts!"

He started swerving around, but just before that, the beatnik finished his…pop…and through it out the window, but it wasn't an aluminum bottle. Oh no. It was glass, which shattered when it hit the ground, leaving a minefield of broken glass, which Vernon hit.

Vernon eventually pulled over and got out of the car. He say the damage, and began to fix the flat tire, mumbling as he worked about that crazy hippie.

_When the highway patrolman pulled up_

_I thought that help was on the way_

As he began to work, he saw a cop pull up. Vernon started waving frantically, knowing that all his problems were solved now. The cop pulled over and stepped out of his car.

_But when he saw the tire tool in my hand_

_He shot me with pepper spray_

The expression on the cops face told me something was wrong. I looked at my hand, and realized that I was holding a crowbar in my hand, waving it around like a murderer.

"No, wait, I can explain," Vernon tried to say, but it was too late. Just as he was about to say something else, he was hit with a face and mouthful of pepper spray.

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law," the cop began.

_Well it's a great day_

_For me to whoop somebody's __butt_

_It's a bad day_

_So you better get off my back_

_You might get __knocked-out_

_If you cross my path_

_Cause it's a great day_

_For me to whoop somebody's __butt_

The cop finally assessed the situation, and realized he made a mistake. He put the pepper spray and said, "Oh, woops. I didn't see your flat there. Let me fix that and you can go about your business."

Vernon heard none of this, because he was still writhing on the ground, trying to get the pepper spray out off of his face and out of his mouth. The cop changed the tire quickly and left without another look at Vernon, but it still took a while for Vernon to get back to normal. By then, the cop was gone. He started tearing up but remembered, he had to get to work!

_When I finally made it to work_

_I was 15 minutes late_

He ran through the doors, but found his boss standing next to his office with a very angry look on his face. Vernon could tell that he was in for it.

"I'm sorry about being late by 15 minutes, Mr. Boss, sir. I'll get to work right now, then." Vernon moved toward his desk, but his boss held his hand out.

"It's too late for that, Mr. Dursley. That is the last straw."

_I told my boss about the flat tire_

_But he fired me anyway._

"But sir," Vernon said quickly, "Let me explain, please. You see, I had to rush to work today because we ran out of toilet paper. It took a while for me to open the toilet paper cabinet with my neighbor's mailbox flag, but by then I realized I was going to be late. I had to take me coffee with me in the car, but I spilled it on myself because a hippie was driving like an idiot in front of me.. Then I got a flat tire, for that hippie because he through his empty beer bottle out the window and I ran it over. I tried to fix the tire, but when a cop pulled over to help me, I waved the crowbar I was holding to flag him down. He though this was threatening, so he shot me with pepper spray. It took me a while to recover, and then I had to rush here, and I found you here. So then I had to tell you this entire story, wasting even more possible work time for the both of us. So what do yah say?"

Mr. Boss just looked at Vernon with a look of utmost disgust. His face was slowly getting red and he began to look like an over-zealous Wisconsin Badger fan when he answered Vernon. "That is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard! You're fired! Now get out of here before I call security!

Vernon bowed his head in defeat and walked out of the building in shame, passing his ex-coworkers, who were jeering and throwing rotten food at him.

_So here I am out in the parking lot_

_Just waiting by his Corvette,_

As Vernon walked back to his car, something in him snapped. He couldn't take it anymore. He wheeled around and headed for Mr. Boss's car, a shiny blue Corvette, with neon lights around the bottoms, 22 inch rims, orange flames, and a rubber cactus on his antenna.

He got one look at the pimped out ride, before an extreme adrenaline rush took over his body. He flung himself at the car and began tearing it apart. When he was done, the car looked like something you would find in and American modern art museum in the metal works section. But he wasn't done yet. He still had to deal with Mr. Boss.

_I'm gonna' give him a goodbye present_

_That he never will forget._

Mr. Boss came running out of the building with his little minions and stared in horror at what was left of his Corvette. He turned red again and screamed at Vernon, "That's it, you are going down! Attack!"

Vernon faced the on-coming wave of pencil-pushing warriors and roared in a very deep and imposing voice, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!!!"

_Well it's a great day_

_For me to whoop somebody's __butt_

_It's a bad day_

_So you better get off my back_

_You might get __knocked-out_

_If you cross my path_

_Cause it's a great day_

_For me to whoop somebody's __butt_

Vernon then opened up a can of butt-kick'n and set those business employees from here to next Tuesday, literally. Once he kicked them, they disappeared into a black hole that opened up in the parking lot, sending the wimps into an inter-dimensional space-time continuum.

When he was done with the henchman, he turned his attention to Mr. Boss and gave him that look that made you think 'if looks could kill.' But it didn't kill him. It just gave him horrible ache, terrible bad luck for the rest of his life, and somehow completely drained every single one of his bank accounts.

For Vernon, well, lets just say that Petunia never got that mailbox and his neighbor never got the chance to sue Vernon.

**Ta Da! I'm sorry about the long wait. School is horrible and I spend about 14 hours a day at school because of extracurricular stuff. You know that old chestnut. **

**I heard that song on the Bob & Tom Show, just if you wanted to know. **

**Murray**


	6. Everything Is Alright

**Disclaimer: I hope no one else thought of mixing Motion City Soundtrack, Vault and Harry Potter together, or else I'll be in big trouble!**

**Peace my friends! I kind of wrote this one while I was trying to write a song-fic with the Jonas Brothers, which probably won't happen. I'm sorry!**

Dumbledore was as hyper as a squirrel in the middle of a thunderstorm. He had just gotten back from his weekly Muggle grocery shopping adventure and had purchased something called 'Vault' and wanted to try it. Well, as any Muggle child would have told him, old people and 'Vault' don't mix to well, especially if they drank it all at once. But, Dumbledore didn't do that. He bought a 12-pack and drank three of them in 20 minutes. The effects were catastrophic.

_Tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright.  
Oh please tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright._

He was pole-vaulting over his desk with Gryffindor's sword, when Fawkes flew over on top of his desk, and burst into flames!!

Dumbledore screamed like a little boy. "WHAT THE HECK! FAWKES!! NO!!!!!!"

Of course, if Dumbledore wasn't on a sugar-high, he would have gone abut his normal business, which isn't pole-vaulting with a sword, but instead he ran out of his office crying and shrieking like a banshee.

_Give me a reason to end this discussion,  
To break with tradition.  
To fold and divide._

At the same time, Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick were in a heated argument on if the Holyhead Harpies were sexist in only admitting women on their team. McGonagall was about to point out her closing argument, when suddenly, Dumbledore came running through the Great Hall, throwing a tantrum.

McGonagall quickly grabbed Dumbledore by the shoulders, shook him and said, "Headmaster, what is wrong?" Dumbledore gave her a horrified look

_Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,  
Talking with strangers, waiting in line..  
I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.  
"Are you feeling fine?"  
Yes, I feel just fine._

"What's wrong," Dumbledore roared. "I'll tell you what's wrong! Water is to wet! Roller coasters can kill you like in Final Destination 3! Muggles try to engage me in conversation when I'm standing in line AND FAWKES ACCIDENTLY BURNED TO DEATH AFTER PLAYING WITH MY CORN COBB PIPE!!!!

"But are you alright Professor?" Flitwick asked, oblivious to everything else Dumbledore said.

Dumbledore straightened up and answered in a very refined voice, "Yes, I am fine." And then he ran out of the Great Hall, singing "Barbie Girl" in a high pitched voice.

_Tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright.  
Oh please tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright._

McGonagall sighed and turned to Flitwick. "Well, I guess we should go check on Fawkes. He's probably fine."

"But Dumbledore said he was fine." Flitwick replied.

McGonagall answered plainly. "He said that about himself."

Flitwick looked like he was thinking hard. "I though he meant the Sorting Hat."

McGonagall rolled her eyes and headed toward the Headmaster's office with a very confused Flitwick following her.

_I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous  
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires  
Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling.._

Luna Lovegood beat them to it first. When they walked in, they say her drink two 'Vaults' with two different swirly-straws at the same time. The effects were already taking effect when she finished. She threw the cans to the ground and started painting everything in Dumbledore's office white.

"MUST CLEAN TO PREVENT BLIBBERING HUMDINGER INFESTATION," she chanted/screamed to herself as she painted.

_  
Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!_

Just then, Dumbledore burst through the doors with a very sugar-tipsy Hermione and about 200 house elves. Dumbledore and Hermione were chanting loudly "The Elves. The Elves. The Elves are on fire!" while the house elves were having a break-dancing competition and Kreacher were serving everyone.

_I used to rely on self-medication,  
I guess I still do that from time to time.  
But I'm getting better at fighting the future,  
"Someday you'll be fine.."  
Yes, I'll be just fine._

Hermione put a huge stereo on her shoulder and played a heavy-techno song. Kreacher was dishing out the moves and schooling Binky when Trelawney ran in with a strong scent of margaritas following her.

"Oh my friends," she slurred in a very majestic voice. "I have just Seen the amazing!"

McGonagall snorted. "What did you see? A wall? Your feet?"

Trelawney kept going, ignoring McGonagall. "In the future, Kreacher will be serving Stromboli to Muggles at a café in London, Dumbledore will be playing an amazing game of strip poker with an odd assortment of people in Heaven, Flitwick will be in a rehab center for his germ phobia, and McGonagall will still be the same old McGonagall!"

Kreacher looked at her in horror as he was doing the Electric Slide. Dumbledore probably heard something different because he was nodding and saying things like 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do' and 'the cats out of the bag now.' Flitwick was giving the Sorting Hat the evil eyes. McGonagall didn't care what that old fraud said, but she did notice a very overly-dramatic Hermione and Luna crying in the corner and went over to investigate.

_Tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright.  
Oh please tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright._

"My dears," she said kindly, "What is wrong?"

Hermione and Luna looked at her and howled, "Trelawney didn't mention us in the future, so we are probably dead or working in an auction house or something!"

McGonagall wasn't expecting this, so she just patted their backs in a very confused sort of way.

_Give me a reason (I don't believe a word)  
To end this discussion (of anything I've heard)  
To break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard)  
To fall and divide (it's not so hard)_

It was utter chaos in Dumbledore's office. Everyone was doing completely different things then everyone else, but the only thing that was the same was that everyone was now passing around the rest of the 'Vaults' except McGonagall. The House Elves were about to start a game of crocket when Dumbledore jumped up on top of his desk holding what looked like a loaf of bread and yelled for everyone's attention. Everyone eventually calmed down and looked at Dumbledore like he was Tom Cruise or something.

"Here ye! Here ye," he bellowed. "I have an announcement to make!" He paused, and then yelled. "Party in the Great Hall!"

He really shouldn't have said that, sense everyone was as hyper as a dog chasing a mailman.

_So let's not get carried (away with everything)  
Away with the process (from here to in-between)  
of elimination (the long goodbye)  
I don't want to waste your time._

Everyone made a mad dash to the Great Hall, where about one hundred students sat taking their end-of-the-year exams. As soon as Hermione entered with the crazy beats, it turned into a dance party. Fireworks were going of everywhere and people were being carried around on others peoples shoulders like a rock concert.

Dumbledore was dancing on the staff table when he screamed, "No more exams, FOREVER!"

The Hall erupted into cheers. McGonagall was running around trying to keep order, but people soon picked her up and carried her around. Thought she was yelling at the party-crazy students carrying her, she secretly was enjoying herself, but se was never going to admit that.

_Tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright.  
Oh please tell me that you're alright,  
Yeah everything is alright._

Just then, Fawkes came flying in and was soaring around the ceiling, singing along with the music.

Dumbledore was stunned. Fawkes was alive! "Fawkes! But you died!"

As Fawkes flew around, he started crying like a baby, sending his tears down onto everyone in the Hall like a monsoon. It only took a few moments before the tears took effect and everyone calmed down. Dumbledore looked around as if he woke up from a dream.

"Why am I in the Great Hall when everyone is testing," he pondered. He shrugged it off and announced to the students, "Alright everyone, back to work!"

As everyone sat back down to test or wondered out of the Hall, Dumbledore noticed a small can on the ground labeled 'Vault.' It was full.

"Hmm…," he wondered. "What is this? I better drink it all and find out." And with that, he downed the entire can, making the entire circle start again and go on for forever and eternity.

**Well, it kind of didn't have much to do with the song, but I tried. The next song-fic is on the way, and no, it isn't Jonas Brothers.**

**Flame away people! It's cold here in Wisconsin and I need some heat! Or you can be nice and leave a nice, warm review, like a blanket! I'm going to shut up now.**

**Murray**


	7. Born to Be Wild

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, except I have the books, movies, posters, soundtracks, pencils, candies… **

**I recommend listening to Born to Be Wild while you read this, because the effect is stunning. I'm surprised people haven't requested stuff. You can if you want to. I'll shut up now and get on with the story.**

Ah, the highway. The world's most used transportation line. Foolish Muggles driving around without a care in the world, unless if their in a traffic jam. They never pay attention to what they are doing and care only about themselves, but if they looked around while they are driving, they would notice an amazing phenomenon that threatens the secrecy of the entire Wizarding community.

It's name…Rebellious Centaurs.

_Get your motor runnin'_

_Head out on the highway_

Bane, Ronan, Magorian, and the rest of the herd of centaurs stood just inside the shade of the forest that was on the side of a major British highway. Normally, they would have been annoyed by how stupid the idea of a 'car' is, but instead, they watched with a bit of humor on their faces as they watched Firenze walk out towards the interstate with determination in his eyes.

Bane loved to egg people on, especially if it was Firenze, so he shouted out, "Firenze! Don't let it control you! Fight the urge!" But it wasn't going to work. Firenze was a victim of 'Rebellious Centaurious', a frightening condition were the certain centaur has the uncontrollable urge to run/gallop like a fool on the Muggle highways.

_Lookin' for adventure  
And whatever comes our way_

Firenze wasn't paying attention to his fellow herdmates and was lost in his own little happy world. He was fascinated by the fast metal cans that were speeding along the long strip of cement. He wanted to be just like one of them when he grew up! He was about to flag on of them down so he could get a private lesson when he saw her standing there in the middle of the interstate.

One of the side effects of 'Rebellious Centaurious' is that the victim starts seeing things that make them start running around with the Muggle automobiles. In this case, Firenze saw a pretty centaur girl running around on the road, and of course, since he was a guy centaur, he had to go run with her.

_Yeah Darlin' go make it happen  
Take the world in a love embrace  
Fire all of your guns at once  
And explode into space_

He galloped out into the highway. He almost got hit by a semi when he got up to her and said in a very cheesy sort of way, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

If he was actually talking to a real she-centaur, he would have gotten laid-out, but since this was an illusion, it actually worked. She blushed and giggled.

Firenze sensed that he had this one in the bag, so he said, "I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"

Throughout this entire lame one-sided conversation, the Muggles never noticed the centaur as they drove by. There were quite a few close calls, but maybe it's just magic?

_I like smoke and lightning  
Heavy metal thunder_

After a few more stupid pick-up lines from Firenze, he and his made-believe date started galloping around in the highway. Firenze was having so much fun that he never noticed that he banged into a truck, which spun around and landed on top of a lot of other cars, causing a massive explosion.

The people in the cars were okay though. They just bounced out of their cars in big bubbles and eventually lay down on the side of the road asleep. Even though 'Rebellious Centaurious' was a bad condition, it wasn't malevolent, it was just a stupid, magical sickness that was mostly a joke.

_Racin' with the wind  
And the feelin' that I'm under_

With all the explosions and loud noises, Firenze completely forgot about his girlie. He was having too much fun running around, jumping over the flames of the fire and the piles of wrecked cars. He was running so fast that tornadoes were forming in his wake and following him, which really isn't a good thing if you think about it.

_Yeah Darlin' go make it happen  
Take the world in a love embrace  
Fire all of your guns at once  
And explode into space_

The tornadoes went over the flaming infernos and turned the tornadoes into fire tornadoes, setting everything on fire, except the people, animals, and Firenze of course. It was like a scene from the apocalypse, except it was mildly funny. The rest of the centaurs were laughing their heads off as they watched, but some of the older ones had lost interest in the entire thing because the same thing happened about 8 times in the last 3 months, but most still liked watching their fellow herdmates make complete fools of themselves.

_Like a true nature's child  
We were born, born to be wild  
We can climb so high  
I never wanna die_

Firenze had finally stopped running/galloping and was now standing in the middle of the highway. The fire tornadoes that had been following him started spinning around him like interpretive dance and Firenze raised his arms up to the sky and shouted, "Behold! I, Firenze, am the master of explosions, pick-up lines, and bizarre weather formations!" Another explosion lit up the entire stretch of interstate in a big flash.

When the dust settled, Firenze was in the shade of the trees in the forest next to the highway, which was magically back to normal. Surprisingly, Dumbledore was in front of him looking bored out of his mind, casting spells on Firenze. Dumbledore was the clean out crew, I mean…guy. He basically had to clean up the crazed centaur's mess, turn everything back to normal, and cure the loony centaur.

_Born to be wild  
Born to be wild, (fads…)_

As centaurs dragged the brain-dead Firenze back through the forest to their home,

Bane turned to Ronan and said, "Well, who do you think it will be next week?"

Ronan shrugged. "I don't know. I still think it is funny that Dumbledore doesn't even realize that we cured the 'Rebellious Centaurious' already and that we are just ticking him off."

"Well, that's what he gets for being a weirdo," Bane pointed out.

**Well, that was a short one. Please review! I really appreciate feedback.**

**What do you guys think of an ****Attack of the Song-Fics: Volume II****? I've been thinking about it, and I have some good ideas. **

**Well, I've got to get ready for my volleyball game. Tootles!!!**

**Murray**


	8. We're Going To Be Friends

**Disclaimer: Ha Ha! I've been lying to you all this whole time! I DO own Harry Potter! Didn't see that one coming, huh? **_**Suddenly, hundreds of stones from my readers fall from the sky and stone me to death because I'm a lying monster.**_

**If you guys just can't get enough of these crazy song-fics, I have written another story called ****Attack of the Song-Fics: Volume II****. It's to Twilight. I only have two chapters up, but this one is still dearest to my heart. **

Ginny was soooooo happy! Nothing could make her sad, nothing! You don't think she was happy? Well, I hope you lock your doors at night, because she's gonna come to your house with a cactus and a crocket mallet. Then she'll tie you to a chair and make you know the meaning of pain and suffering!! But I know that you all know she is happy, so I'll get on with the story.

It was her first year at Hogwarts and she already had a best friend! It wasn't that meanie, yet hottie, Harry Potter, or her brothers, or that brainiac, Hermione Granger. No, it was a diary!!!

_Fall is here, hear the yell  
back to school, ring the bell  
brand new shoes, walking blues  
climb the fence, books and pens  
I can tell that we're going to be friends_

The diary was magical too! The diary called himself 'Tom Marvolo Riddle', which is a funny name if you ask me. Anyway, whenever she wrote in the diary, it wrote back to her! He listened to everything Ginny had to say and gave good advice too.

Once, the diary told Ginny that if she started hissing randomly at a faucet in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, she would get a mountain of chocolate frogs. The next thing you know, there was a mountain of chocolate frogs at the edge of her bed one morning, AND Mrs. Norris was petrified and hanging off a wall too. But Ginny couldn't understand why she was covered in blood though. Oh well, she probably had a nosebleed in the middle of the night or something.

_Walk with me, Suzy Lee  
through the park and by the tree  
we will rest upon the ground  
and look at all the bugs we found  
then safely walk to school  
without a sound_

The only thing that was strange was that the diary told her that she couldn't have anymore friends and that she couldn't' tell anyone about him either. She had to give in though, because the diary was a pretty smart guy.

There were a few nights that she couldn't remember anything, but short-term memory loss did run in the family. Curse you Uncle Jonathan and your crazy genetics!! She also was covered in blood all the time too. It really hard to clean too! Thank god for house elves.

Tom asked me to the hiss thing a lot, and every time I did it, I would get more Chocolate Frogs and someone would get petrified. Weird huh?

A few months past, and Ginny was starting to get frightened. Tom was beginning to teach her stuff, as a tutor, but it just didn't seem right. Yesterday, he taught her the principles of Muggle torture. And today, he gave a lecture on how to participate in Muggle warfare in secretive manner. He even made her read the book, Lord Grindelwald: the Man with the Plan, and write a report on how to take his ideas and put them into a modern setting. I mean, sure, it was cool and interesting, but she had other things to do, like get a social life.

_Well here we are, no one else  
we walked to school all by ourselves  
there's dirt on our uniforms  
from chasing all the ants and worms  
we clean up and now its time to learn_

Ginny just couldn't handle the work load. So, she went to Myrtle's bathroom and punted the diary into one of the toilets.

"TOUCHDOWN!" She yelled triumphantly as she skipped out of the bathroom, but Tom knew of her deception, and he wasn't happy.

His specter came out of the diary, shaking a fist, and swore, "Ginny Weasley! You can run, but you can't hide!"

Ginny did run and hide. In fact, right after she skipped out of the bathroom, she ran into her dorm and hid under her bed, shaking and crying. She was having withdrawal symptoms from being away from Tom. She even had to admit, she had a little crush on him, even though he was a complete psychopath.

For the next week, Ginny had horrible side-effects, like crying blood, her hair oddly changing color to a jet black color, and her fingernails growing like beanstalks. She sort of looked like a possessed person, but she wasn't. Everyone in the school learned to stay away or ignore the 'Exorcist Chick'.

_Numbers, letters, learn to spell  
nouns, and books, and show and tell  
at playtime we will throw the ball  
back to class, through the hall  
teacher marks our height  
against the wall_

Near the end of the horrible week, Ginny couldn't take it anymore! She had to get the diary back! And she knew exactly where it was. It was in the cutie, Harry Potter's, stuff. And so she did, and she also managed to completely destroy Harry's room in the process.

When she got back from Harry's dorm with the diary, she quickly started apologizing to Tom, say how foolish she was and how she would do anything she asked her to do. He cured her of the side-effects, and told her his evil plan that his was going to use her in. She was horrified, but what could she do? She was his slave. Oh, the horror.

It finally was time for the very evil and sick plan. Ginny planned her capture and went down into the Chamber of Secrets. The diary was floating in the air, waiting for her. Tom laughed and called her forward. He also called forth a big snake. Ginny had a bad feeling about the evil and sick plan, but it was too late to turn back now.

After Tom did some fancy page turning with a wand taped to it, Ginny and the big snake started floating in the air. They started spinning around faster and faster until it happened! Ginny and the big snake switched bodies! OH NO!! Ginny didn't want to be a snake!

_And we don't notice any time pass  
we don't notice anything  
we sit side by side in every class  
teacher thinks that I sound funny  
but she likes the way you sing_

She slithered away into a big cave and crying. She didn't know how long she cried there, but she heard Tom call for her, so she came out. When her eyes adjusted to the light, which wasn't much, she saw Harry, Tom, and the Snake-Ginny, standing around in the Chamber. Well, at least Harry and Tom were. The Snake-Ginny was lying on the ground.

Ginny hissed happily when she saw Harry and started slithering towards him to give him a big snake hug, but Harry started running away. Why would he do that? Doesn't he recognize her? She slithered faster to catch up to him. He tripped and she was about to hug him, when a big bird came out of nowhere and started tearing her eyes out!

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" Ginny screamed. She was blind! Who brings birds into a castle anyway, let alone birds that tear your eyes out! She sniffled, but then realized that she could hear Harry! She started following his footsteps, but got lost really quickly. After a while, she got sick of wandering around in the sewers blind, so she headed back to the Chamber.

When she got there, she could hear Harry! She slithered towards him happily, when she realized he was on top of a cliff. She couldn't hug him when his was so high up! So, she settled on kissing him. He probably would enjoy that.

So, she leaned in. She was about to kiss that cutie-pie, when he stabbed her with a sword. She writhed on the ground and screamed, "Nobody loves me!" And then she died in a dramatic pose, if that's even possible for a snake.

_Tonight I'll dream while in my bed  
when silly thoughts go through my head  
about the bugs and alphabet  
and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet  
that you and I will walk together again  
cause I can tell that we're going to be friends_

Well, you all know what happened next. Harry killed Tom and saved Ginny, which was actually Snake-Ginny. Years past and Snake-Ginny made small appearances in the books. As you probably noticed, Ginny was completely different then Snake-Ginny. Ginny was a wimp, where as Snake-Ginny actually had a backbone. By the end of the series, Harry and Snake-Ginny fell in love, married, and had children. It was only later that Harry married and had children with a snake thing when their children transformed into snake-people when they turned 17.

And so, Harry Potter's life was turned upside-down when he found out he married a snake. No wonder all she did was hiss all the time.

**Wow. I really have a sick and twisted mind. How can anybody even remotely sane write something like this? We may never know. **

**Fall is in the air! I don't like it. My house is so drafty that it is always freezing in there everyday of the fall and winter. Why does the computer have to be by a whole bunch of windows, why?!**

**Murray**


	9. Crazy Train

**Disclaimer: Isn't great that I own the plot to this story? But wait, this story doesn't really have a plot. Hey! So I own nothing! NOOOO!**

**I feel like a machine when I write these. It's just so natural! I got the idea for this one when I played this song before a football game. For those of you who don't know, I am a trombone master, just like a Jedi. **

Now gather round my little brussel sprouts, and listen to this secret tale of a man who lost his temper in public that caused a group of minors to act many levels beyond immature.

Of course, you probably don't know this story, because at the same time, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter flew a Ford Anglia from King's Cross Station in London to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was all over the papers, but if you actually read the entire Daily Prophet, you would have noticed a small article about the actually train ride that the two boys missed. This is the train's tale.

_All aboard!_

The Hogwarts Express was the most normal train around, besides the magic part. It always ran on schedule and it never experienced breakdowns or anything like that. Everyone knew that the train was going to run normally today, but then never realized that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley's absence could cause such a horrible reaction from his fellow students.

On the morning of Sept. 1, 1992, the normal routine of the Hogwarts Express fell apart.

_Crazy, but that's how it goes_

_Millions of people living as foes_

_Maybe it's not too late  
To learn how to love, and forget how to hate_

The departure was simple and normal as always. The children finally pulled their heads back from the windows as the train pulled away from London. Everyone was having a grand old time, _all but two!!_

Hermione and Ginny were searching everywhere for Harry and Ron. They had checked ever nook and cranny for those two and they came up with a big fat nothing. The only possible places they could be now were on top of the train and in the conductor's room.

They decided to split up the work. Ginny was going on top of the train and Hermione was going to the conductor's room. They both had second thoughts about this, but they had to find Harry and Ron! They had no choice since they were only secondary characters, especially Ginny.

_Mental wounds not healing  
Driving me insane  
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train_

It was pretty windy when Ginny climbed up on top of the train. She stood up carefully and started walking down the length of the train, shouting the heroes' names.

"HARRY!! RON!!! ARE YOU HERE?" Of course, the wind was to loud for anything to here, so she pulled out her air horn and started blaring it in Morse Code.

**... .- .-. .-. -.-- / .-. --- -. / .-- ... . .-. . / .- .-. . / -.-- --- ..- ..--..!! **She blared the air horn for a few minutes, but the only thing she got in response was the complaints of her fellow students.

_Somewhere above the clouds…_

"Hey Harry, did you here that?" Ron rolled down the window of the Ford Anglia and leaned out a bit.

"You mean that blaring noise? I heard that too." Harry stopped for a moment when he heard the noise again. He turned to Ron. " Do you think we should check out the train and see if it is coming from there, or do you just want to keep driving up here in ignorant bliss for a little bit longer?"

Ron thought for a moment, and then replied, "Let's go for the later. Besides, my favorite song, Crank That, is starting."

_I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools  
I've watched all the dropouts who make their own rules  
One person conditioned to rule and control  
The media sells it and you live the role_

_Back on top of the train…_

Ginny was about to give the air horn another blast, when she saw the new improvement to the train tracks up ahead. She had heard about the construction of the new track, but she had no idea it was that bad.

"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Ginny screamed as the train started doing loopy-loops and hair-pin turns. She continued to hold on for dear life, thinking to herself, when would this horror end?

_Meanwhile, outside of the conductor's room…_

Hermione hesitated before knocking on the door to the engine room. Nobody answered, but the door was unlocked. You would think she would just let herself in, but Hermione just doesn't do that. That is something Harry and Ron would do.

_Mental wounds still screaming  
Who and what's to blame  
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train_

Just then, the air horn started going off. Hermione thankfully had extremely bushy hair, which cushioned her ears from the glass shattering noise. That couldn't be said for the conductor because he was extremely bald. He burst through the door in obvious angry, searching madly for air horn. He forgot to notice Hermione though and ran her over as he stormed off to the compartments.

Hermione was fine though. Her bushy hair saved her life once again, cushioning her head from the conductor's boot. She waited until the conductor was around the corner before she snuck into the engine room.

The room was full of all sorts of complicated stuff that ran the train. There was do-dads, thing-a-ma-bobs, and what-cha-ma-call-its. Hermione quickly started looking around, not wanting to be caught by the angry conductor. She wasn't really looking where she was going, because she bumped into a big lever that said 'SPEED' on it.

_I know that things are going wrong for me  
You've gotta listen to my words, yeah_

She picked the worst time to knock into that lever too. That was exactly the same time Ginny stopped blowing the air horn in Morse Code and the same time the train entered the new roller coaster inspired track.

_Somewhere above the train…_

Harry and Ron were getting annoyed with the ridiculous noise below and were about to go give it a piece of their minds when it thankfully stopped.

"Thank God!" Ron exclaimed, but he took back the words instantly when the crazed screaming started below them.

"Give me a break! First the dumb horn, and now screaming! I can't tale it anymore!" Harry through his arms up in the air exasperated.

Ron patted Harry's arm kindly. "It's okay, buddy. Let's just listen to that new Shania Twain album to calm our nerves."

Harry grunted and settled back into the passenger seat, but soon could stop himself from _Man, I Feel Like A Woman_ with Ron.

_Heirs of a cold war, that's what we've become  
Inheriting troubles, I'm mentally numb_

_Crazy, but what do I care  
I'm living with something I don't wanna share_

_Back on top of the train…_

Ginny was done hurling for the third time, when the train finally evened out and went along in a straight line. She climbed into the conductor's room and found Hermione spread-eagle on the ground, whispering something.

"Hermione, are you okay?" Ginny asked.

Hermione didn't know Ginny was there, so she snapped her head up in shock. She looked at Ginny, startled for a moment, before she answered, "I'm starting a petition against that part of the train ride."

_Mental wounds not healing  
Driving me insane  
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train_

The train got to Hogwarts ahead of schedule, thanks to the Hermione's clumsiness and big head. The conductor dragged both Hermione and Ginny to McGonagall right away.

"These two ruined a perfectly good train ride, and I want them punished!" he spat at her. McGonagall eyebrow rose as she listened to the conductor rant about possible punishments to the town girls, but cut him off after a while.

"I understand that the two girls have caused you a lot of trouble, but it wasn't their fault. Dumbledore has taken responsibility of the train ride, since it was idea to change the train tracks. Thank you for telling me. You may go now."

The conductor gaped in horror as the professor and the two students walked into the Great Hall. He trembled with anger and shouted after them.

"You will pay for this! You all will pay for this!" And then, he changed into a giant bat and flew away into the great beyond, never to gain his revenge, because his short attention span made him forget. He lived in England's woods for the rest of his life as a crazy person. Oh well, good riddance I'd say.

**I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I'm just so busy with this year's musical, Urinetown, I just don't have to sit down and write another chapter.**

**I will write another if I get some suggestions for other chapters. (hint hint wink wink)**

**Murray**


End file.
